I’m sure you’re the kind of person who likes culture. Maybe you own shirts with buttons. I don’t know. Maybe you’ve read a book without pictures for some reason. Maybe you use a napkin when you eat. I’ll tell you openly and honestly, because I’m that kind of person, that I was a little bit behind in the culture department. It’s not that I don’t admire culture. I’ve learned to recognize it whenever it comes on TV, except sometimes I change the channel by accident. So I admire culture, as I said, and one day I sat on the couch and thought about what it would be like to be cultured myself. I started to imagine myself as somebody who might use a napkin, but I fell asleep and spilled my potato chips.

“Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with Jason.”

You gape at the twin of yourself who purposely rode into you with her electric Divvy bike. Except it’s not a twin at all. You don’t even have a twin, not that you know of. This not-twin who looks exactly like you is wearing your ripped jeans, your yellow sweater with the broken zipper, and your scruffy checkered Vans you bought back when you thought you were a skater.

The Classic 

A babysitter is staying over at a client’s house when she gets a phone call. “I’m going to kill you,” a strange voice on the other end of the line says. She tries to ignore it, but she gets another phone call. “I’m going to kill you,” the voice tells her again. She calls the police and tells them about the threatening calls. The police officer promises to run a trace to find out where the strange phone calls are coming from. 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!” 

But there was no reply… 

1. People you barely know, never think about, who always send you cards.

[standard card greeting – no handwritten note]

The Xs

From the team that brought you What to Expect When You’re Expecting comes a new, comprehensive guide for women at that magical mid-life stage: What to Expect When You’re Expecting Nothing At All.