If you are reading this, chances are you are in a state of Drowning.

Now penises are fine. I’m good with penises. Let me be clear: The penis is my friend. A penis makes sense. Cylindrical, aerodynamic, smooth—clearly designed for job.  

When a hard-working humorist knuckles down to a grueling session of writing funny stuff, he is frequently confronted with a mortifying emptiness of the brain’s humor center known as “Humor Block.” God only knows how to deal with it—and these are His/Her/Its tips.

You wanted to see pictures of my infant girl swaddled in soft-focus, white blankets, right? I’ve posted my top fifty outtakes on my Facebook page. I don’t see that you gave the post a heart yet and you probably want to.

I went to my first school dance dressed as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. It was spring of 1985 and Amadeus had just won Best Picture.