As a certified grocery bagger at the local Freddy’s Foods, it is my Assistant Manager given right to discuss, with each customer, the items that they have purchased as I bag for them. I would also add that I can do so as loudly as needed to ensure that the customer is satisfied. I refuse to remain quiet and let the cashier dominate the conversation, to where I’m only allowed to ask, “Paper or plastic?” 

“I think it goes without saying: that hair is a different color than that hair.”

“A drinking buddy turned me on to these stories.  I looked for the book after we’d been out bar hopping but couldn’t find it.  Barnes and Noble said they could order it.  I didn’t know much about chinchillas before the book arrived.  Fascinating!”

Gregg Alexander, frontman of the nineties alternative band New Radicals, reached a significant legal milestone over the weekend after he was arrested for the one-hundredth time. Like all past charges against the singer-songwriter, he was once again booked for assault.

“I’ve always loved you, Jessica,” I type in the messaging app of my friend’s iPod Touch.  “I won’t let anyone get in the way of our love.” Although Jessica and I did make out once, I’m not in love with her. I’m writing to her under the clever alias “Jason Smith” because my friend, Ceci, and I are bored.