Fellow members of the Walt Disney Studios creative team, thank you for the chance to make this pitch to you. Sorry I’m late. I stopped by the Percy Jackson set on the way in and sort of lost my mind. I got them all to autograph my tie, though, so it was worth it.

As a civic-minded American, I’ve noticed that my fellow citizens have been getting more stressed out with every passing year. One of the biggest reasons? Cars!

The Patience Library in Pasture, Colorado, seeks a Librarian/Library Technician. The Patience Library rests in a bucolic mountain setting with sheep grazing next door. There is a view open to the next state.  Half-time, no benefits. The pool of candidates for this job will be comprised of unpaid interns. Salary after probationary period is commensurate with education and experience but not to exceed minimum wage. Position open until filled.

When I was a kid, we had chicken for dinner every Friday night. Shortly after my fifth birthday I figured out how these meals worked: your age determined the part of the chicken you ate. As the youngest, I ate wings. My older brother was assigned drumsticks. My much older sister, white meat.

When my twins were toddlers, they fought over me, literally. One time, my son, Dylan, was sitting on my lap and my daughter, Samantha, who was happily playing with a toy on the floor, hoisted herself up and pushed Dylan off my lap as though she was rescuing me from Bigfoot. She then triumphantly climbed on my lap; her toy long forgotten. After soothing a crying Dylan, I took advantage of the teaching moment and explained the concept of sharing.