Time to face reality. My upstart public aquarium isn’t taking off. This morning it amounted to five fish, one of which turned out to be some sort of serial killer and assassinated the others, until it was just him. So, one fish. This week I called around, ended up with a very conditional agreement to loan me a sea turtle. Needless to say, I will have to catch my own sharks. The real blow was Dirk, my angel investor, lost all his capital in the GameStop bubble.

The End is Nigh! Or, at least, on your Outlook calendar. Along with the demise of modern civilization comes The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, sent here by God to reboot His divine judgement. Prepare yourselves to recognize the signs of their impending descent.

While the coronavirus pandemic has gripped the nation, a subtler, far more dangerous pandemic has silently infiltrated the minds and bodies of America’s men: Soy Boyism.

Schools implement a dizzying assortment of district-mandated procedures for teachers and students: No Child Left Behind, 21st Century initiatives, and The Common Core. The latest rollout: The Tomato Method. How’s it going? Let’s find out.

Nobody gets a cat on purpose, no one wakes up one morning and decides they want to take care of a small useless predator for a decade or more; cats just sort of happen to a person, we end up with them, like children or guns.