“They” say don’t eat inflammatory foods so as to avoid bad health and death. You do need to pick your theys as carefully as your friends, though. All kinds of online they food dictators are popping up in numbers greater than the actual population. Still, so many warn about inflammatory foods, that maybe we really should pay attention.

Our Company is always on the lookout for innovative ways to keep your employee benefits current and competitive. That’s why we’re pleased to announce the following changes to your benefits package.

As I imagine you know, there’s a protocol for getting into an elevator.

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas, I laid out some (home-made) chocolate chip cookies with a tall glass of (skimmed) milk by the chimney.

I spent the entire day baking them.

Just for you. 

As an experiment, a very rich man gave me one hundred million dollars, with the stipulation that I’d let him kill me in ten years, about ten years ago. For some reason it kind of slipped my mind. That’s how I am: taxes catch me by surprise every year; I forget plans until the last second and rush out of the house; once I left my private jet in the Cayman’s because I went back commercial by mistake. The only thing that was on my mind when I got the text reminding me about my agreement was the excruciatingly drawn-out remodeling of the left side of my mansion (when facing the mansion). It was a fairly nice text, as texts about your eventual murder, from your eventual murderer, go.