A Portland, Oregon, man yesterday apologized for an apparently offensive apology he made earlier in the week. “I realize now that this past apology too ardently articulated a deep remorse for an incident that some did not find offensive in the first place, and I sincerely apologize for offending anyone whom I did not originally offend with my contrition. This is not the man I am,” he said.

Roids, juice, gym candy, muscle crack, vitamin T, anabolic angel dust, the devil’s apple juice. Whether it be for crushing baseballs or crushing pussy, every guy thinks about taking steroids at least once in his life, and if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve hit that crossroads in your life.

Much in the way my hair never looks better than on the day I’m getting it cut, I was my best self on the way to a mental institution. My friend told me she thought I should go and I didn’t have anything else to do and wanted to kill myself so I decided to give it a whirl. I drove myself there with another friend who promised to take my car back to my house, but instead left it, along with my house keys, on the other side of town without telling me, and my phone died while I was locked up so I had to crowbar open a window to get in to charge my phone to figure out what the hell he had done and why. But that was later.

Thank you so much for your unsolicited parenting advice! I know you heard me say that I had no interest in hearing anyone’s advice unless I specifically asked for it. I am so glad that you decided that you were excluded from this comment and that I really really needed to hear how gross you think breastfeeding is and that you never did it for any of your kids, but they all turned out just fine. I know that all of my parenting decisions should mirror yours exactly.

You’re doing scenarios in an unconscious bias training in a Zoom breakout room with fifty people and they’ve reminded everyone to make sure you’re wearing the crocs they sent to your house a few days ago. These crocs are someone else’s crocs. They have been worn.