MS. BLACK. Good morning everyone. I hereby call the Subcommittee on Government Organization, Efficiency, and Financial Management to order. I see that all the members are present and accounted for, so let’s begin.

I recognize myself for an opening statement.

We have been assembled today to review an unprecedented, highly worrisome, and seemingly impossible development. According to a study published by the Gallup Poll last week, Congress’ already abysmally low approval rating has dropped into the negatives for the first time in history.

To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director

Thanks for buying my e-book, How to Get Your Humor Published! It’s always great to meet a fellow writer. Getting published is easy; all it takes is a little jar of elbow grease, this e-book and a computer.

Like me, I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over again: “The only way to become a great writer is to keep writing” or “there are no shortcuts in life” or “you can’t be a writer, you’re helplessly illiterate.” I assure you, these are nothing but ludicrous things parents tell their children before bed and after college.

You have access to a thesaurus and a checking account, there’s no reason your humor shouldn’t be published.

Have you ever been so excited it hurts? Then I guess you understand how I feel right now. Because my husband just told me we’re getting a new mailbox. That’s right, freaks. I said MAILBOX. As in, that philatelic hot spot in front of your house where the letters come and go. Six days a week. Rain or shine. And not just letters but other mail too. Like utility bills. And pre-approved credit card offers. And random flyers from guys who paint. Sometimes a fat wad of Valpak coupons even creeps up in there. Hell yes it does!

The term “barbarian” is bandied about a lot these days. Of course, everyone knows it comes from the Greek term “bararoi”, which originally referred to a species of talking pumpkin. Only gradually and through the sedimentation of linguistic geology did the term come to embrace its modern idiom; that is, anybody who, coming across in a thrift store the Collected Works of Geoffrey Chaucer on the one hand, and, on the other, a questionably pasty stack of Busty magazines, picks up the latter, in a full, though erroneous, confidence that he has made the dirtier choice. Real culture knows the juicy bits.