1. Begin

2. Process – Decide whether dog is hungry or not
If yes, go on
If not, do not feed dog.

SAUSALITO, CA – Like many Americans, Teresa Jasper reacted strongly to the Time magazine cover story that asks “Are You Mom Enough?” The cover shows a three-year old boy standing on a chair breastfeeding from his attractive mother. “Parenting is hard enough without being judged,” Jasper says as she hands her two-year old a juice box. “I’m supposed to feel guilty because I don’t want my kid kicking me all night?”

It has been twenty years since I led them, but I still know them all by name: aiming long rifle guy, grenade lobbing guy, lying flat sniper guy, kneeling bazooka guy, charging bayonet guy and machine gun aimed sideways guy. The sounds of their valor still echo in my dreams. The way they cheered for me, applauded my every decision. After the Great Bedroom War (1986-1987) and the Invasion of Cabbage Patch (Summer, 1988) I installed a suggestion box for my men. It is with great shame that I admit to only looking over these dispatches and communiqués now, almost twenty-five years later. I have failed my brave men, but hopefully their words will inspire and enliven this aging man they once so joyously called Ol’ General Radical.

My dining partner (a young man whose most singular talent is an ability to laugh-snort milk through his nose virtually on demand) and I entered the dining establishment hungry and eager for a pleasant midday culinary experience. The restaurant was “cafeteria” style, meaning that we chose our meals from a steam-shrouded and ambrosial variety of possibilities, effulgent in their pristine stainless steel serving containers.

Mad Men is a popular show on {previously obscure acronym} about Madison Avenue during the industry’s golden era: the early {decade often portrayed using broad generalizations and hackneyed, one-dimensional stereotypes}. The show has received much acclaim, particularly for its verisimilitude and perspicacity in capturing the zeitgeist of the period, which is a phrase that the {synonym for “affected pedants”} who watch Mad Men would understand but you probably don’t.