It happens quickly. One minute you’re walking along Orchard Street asking yourself who casts these so-called “models” for American Apparel because they aren’t even remotely attrac—and bam! There he is, standing on the corner of Rivington.

All prior thoughts are inconsequential as you focus on one goal: find a hiding place. With the feline grace of a snow leopard you dive towards the first thing you see, a mailbox, and send a punk kid’s bagel soaring high into the air. Now there are two problems: the mailbox only covers you from the waist down and the punk kid is causing a commotion, demanding you pay for his smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel that he had only taken ONE BITE OUT OF. The number of bites is irrelevant you say which angers him more, so you thrust ten bucks into his sweaty hand and pray that the tall profile approaching your left retina isn’t who you think it is.

Dear (friend):

Do you love stickers? Don’t you wish you had more? How about bigger stickers? Or fuzzier ones? Are you one of those kids who has to earn stickers by doing menial chores around the house—like practicing piano, cleaning your room, or thanking your parents for almost everything they do? When did parents turn stickers from an innocent childhood pastime into a tool of extortion and bribery?

Dear Caroline,

We are delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has voted to offer you a place in the Gilford Academy Class of 2016! Nearly fifteen thousand students applied for admission to the entering class, making it the most competitive, qualified, and Anglo-Saxon applicant pool in Gilford history.

However, as you prepare for the transition to boarding school, we suggest you look over the following materials very carefully. The zip code, middle school, and surname listed on your application suggest that you won’t fit in otherwise and we want your adjustment to life at the Academy to be as seamless as possible. Enclosed you will find everything you need to make your time at Gilford unforgettable and your middle-class upbringing unnoticeable. Congratulations on your acceptance and we wish you a warm welcome to the Academy.

Dear Readers,

For years, we have offered you the option of becoming a paid subscriber to our website, but have always assured you that even if you did not subscribe, we would never erect a paywall to prevent you from enjoying the articles we are so proud to publish. That promise remains as true as ever. In that spirit, we are excited to announce a series of changes that will be rolled out to non-subscribers in the weeks to come:

1. Beginning next month, non-subscribers may begin to notice some altered punctuation in the articles we are definitely not forcing you to pay for. While, this will not prevent you from reading our, fine, con-tent. It may make it slightly more difficult? To do so.

Mad Hominem

What does a failed presidential candidate go from here? Insane, that’s where! This reckless rogue never made it out of the primary season, but that won’t stop him from making anarchy of the republic with his Slander-Beam, a voice-controlled plasma laser that renders entire blocks of voters unable to distinguish between the validity of policy ideas and the personalities of the candidates who propose them. When will the madness end?