I was logged onto OkCupid for what I thought was the last time. It was long overdue that I close the book on the droves of single mothers, vegan astrologers and sucked-in abdomens in front of bathroom mirrors. Then I saw a message in my inbox. Well this was a first. Could one of the countless women who had pitilessly ignored my verbose attempts at starting a conversation have finally realized her atrocious error in judgment? No, of course not. It turned out to be a message from the higher-ups at OkCupid: “How’d you like to help moderate the site?” the message title asked. I tentatively opened it.

The Beagle is a complex and sensitive breed—highly-strung and in need of rigorous, daily exercise and positive reinforcement. He requires an owner with a firm hand, as an improperly-trained Beagle who does not understand his hierarchy in the household will grow anxious and irritable. He may even begin to believe he is the pack leader; signs of this may include prolonged barking at visitors, prolonged barking when the TV show you are watching is a rerun he has already seen, and placing take-out orders without asking if you wanted anything.

We are committed to providing a sexual harassment-free workplace. Sexual harassment is unlawful and will not be tolerated. If it is determined that an alleged instance of sexual harassment is credible, the company will take swift and appropriate action against the offending party. Etc. etc. etc.

By now you’re probably wondering two things: 1) “What is that marvelous, intoxicating odor?” and 2) “Why, as I read this, is this exemplar of masculine perfection hovering over me?”

Obnoxious Travelers recognize that comments spoken in English, however loudly, are incomprehensible to residents of countries other than America, England, and possibly Canada. If foreigners held a command of English, they obviously wouldn’t be wasting time with some other gibberish. Secure in this knowledge, Obnoxious Travelers feel completely at ease with expressing close-minded and misinformed criticisms of both foreign cultures and specific foreign individuals within earshot.

Dear Jackie,

Please know how grateful Edward and I are for the loving care you provide to Louisa and Will. Because their attachment to you is strong, perhaps even excessive, and because they believe that everything you do is the “right” way and ours by contrast is “wrong” or “stupid” and once even “for shit,” it’s important that we be on the same page in our childrearing practices.