To Your Parents When you are ready to run away from home, grab a piece of paper from your father’s briefcase and some lipstick from your mother’s purse. If you knocked them out correctly, you should have no problem doing this. Take the lipstick and write on the piece of paper. Write a suicide note

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To the wonderful (if not environmentally conscious) residents of Springfield,

You are receiving this email, or letter for those of you who have selfishly failed to switch to e-notices, because the recycling policy regarding what we DO and DO NOT accept has been modified. This policy change is in effect as of the moment you are reading this notice.

Congratulations! If you’re considering your first trip to your nearest IKEA storefront, you have reached that special place in your life where you want furniture, but can’t afford any. That’s where we come in. Here at IKEA, we know we’re a much needed bridge between adolescence and adulthood. That transition can be tough. With that in mind, here are five simple tips for making your trip to IKEA a big success!

Stephen Dorff enters a Mexican bar somewhere in Mexico. It’s sketchy, but it’s clear Stephen Dorff couldn’t care less. He saunters up to the bar, electric cigarette dangling from his lips, and gives the grizzled bartender a look that says, “You know what I want and what I want is a delicious, ultra premium top shelf tequila.” The bartender pours him a shot from a nondescript bottle of tequila. Stephen Dorff glares at him, beyond annoyed. The bartender totally gets it and is like, “Whoa, this guy knows his tequila,” and pours him a shot of ultra-slow filtrated Avión premium tequila.