Thanks for your e-mail. I’m out of the office right now, but I’ll reply as soon as I can. If you require immediate assistance, please contact Nicole Michaels at extension 4235. Your message is important to me.

Note that by “right now” I don’t mean now now, but rather then now, because I’m actually here while I compose this message, but I’ll be gone by the time you receive it, at some future now.

Don’t know what to make for dinner? How about the old stand-by, chicken? But don’t worry, you can jazz it up in ten different mouth-watering ways. These recipes are quick, easy, and completely serious.

• My sleep number is 10. Milligrams of Ambien
• I graduated from the 14th grade, is how my parents put it
• To date, I’ve had only 2 ‘Aha’ moments but well over 2,000 instances of ‘Duh’

Level 1 – Luigi helps Mario move a broken futon into his new studio apartment. The fridge whines and the walls are decorated with angry fist holes. The landlord plomps by and lets Mario know there’s a problem with his deposit check. It’s a chicken parm cutlet. Mario readies a fireball in his hand. “Not now,” Luigi whispers.

Rotating propeller can cause serious injury or death, Carl. Never approach or use ladder when motor is running, or at least wear a sturdier pair of shoes if you’re going to, because that thing absolutely mutilated your favorite pair of Tevas (the ones you so proudly remind us survived your trip to Peru and the whole goat incident, which is, frankly, pretty unbelievable in the first place) and your actual foot was at very real risk.