1. Someone begs you to come. 

2. As soon as you arrive, you realize this was a big mistake.

The story of Charles Darwin and the Beagle has been well documented. There have been books, documentaries, films and even a set of collector cards which, while never being a big seller, have ardent followers among Darwin’s legion of schoolboy fans. Now, after much research, the relationship between Darwin and another breed, the basset, can be told.

“The hook,” I tell my creative writing students, “is the secret of getting read.” Unfortunately, powerful first-line hooks were nonexistent before the mid-1950s. This is probably why few readers willingly pick up a book published before that decade. Let me illustrate with examples of how once-famous novels could have been saved by inserting a commanding hook.

My kids hate my boyfriend.

They say he’s a dick. In my gut I agree with them. So when I say I’m going to break up with him they’re overjoyed. I tell them I can’t do it in person or on the phone. I’m too much of a coward and he’s too manipulative.

We won’t be granting you a visa to visit our museums so that you can view the artifacts we stole from your country, and we’re not returning them.