Some people have an elegant stride that turns heads while it enhances physical fitness. You do not. If you insist upon running in public, you need to listen to me because when I was seven years old I watched Frank Shorter and his mustache compete in the Olympic marathon on ABC television. I got up and ran around the block until my thighs wore new fringe into my Levi cords cut-offs. My PF Flyers were patched with blood. The feet on my striped Hang Ten tank top bounced and twisted over my sweaty orbs.

I understand that you’re only four, but I am going to take this opportunity to educate you about hair discrimination, as your parents apparently have not done. It’s not their fault they are unintelligent and ill-mannered. Your mother has straight, shiny, Pantene ad hair, and I bet your dad does too. Sadly, to the world at large, their beautiful, movie-star-like hair completely obscures their callous, empty souls and lack of social graces.

On October 16, 2014, at approximately 0845 hrs, my children: Michael and Chloe Vargas, caucasian juveniles; and wife: Luisa Marquez-Vargas, caucasian female, age withheld, arrived at the Disneyland Theme Park in Anaheim, CA. Upon entering the park, I diverted from our lane of travel to enter the Jolly Holiday Refreshment Corner with the objective of obtaining a bottle of water. I secured the water bottle in exchange for six dollars. I stated to the purveyor that six dollars seemed “a small price to pay for a basic human necessity.” The purveyor did not appear to detect the playful satirical tone of my comment.

Ellie? Ellie! How did this get in here? Well, I’m sure the Wade Whimsies just came alive in the middle of the night and dispersed themselves throughout the shag carpet. Is that what I’m supposed to believe? That the genuine porcelain miniatures are following me around and burying themselves in my rug? That you weren’t carrying them around in your weird over-sized pouch-pocket doing god knows what while I was down at the halal cart?

At a press conference today, Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged his adult life would’ve been considered a complete failure if it were not for the fake orgasms, fights with steeds and copious amounts of gold pieces he stole after imbibing alcohol in the movie Conan the Barbarian.