“Important section” surrounded by little hearts and stars.

Approximate time to discovery: Never.
Chance of termination upon discovery: High

Breathe. You’ve been jolted. Your heart palpitations and sudden flashbacks to the worst six years of your life are perfectly appropriate responses. After all, you’ve just received a class reunion invitation from a peer whose personality rivaled that of the clown called ‘It.’

Step away from the e-vite. Whether or not this is the first recorded attempt at an elementary school reunion since the founding of the Boston Latin School is irrelevant.

Ogg and Grog strolled through the beautiful prehistoric environment. The sun was shining brightly, and the air warm, with just the slightest chance of Ice Age. All around the world seemed to be at peace.

“What a lovely day it is in 3000 B.C.,” Ogg proclaimed.

“B.C.? What’s that?” Grog asked.

“Before Christ. It’s the other one I can never remember.”

Once upon a time there was a child who had the misfortune to be born in a kingdom with some extremely socially sensitive fairies. Shush, you asked for Sleeping Beauty, and so that’s what I’m giving you. I know I’m not reading it, I’m telling it, that’s what people used to do all the time, you know. When? Once upon a time, that’s when. Anyway. So once upon a time.

The first question people ask after your inch-high girlfriend has been carried off to the ladies’ room by one of her girlfriends is some variation of “So what is your sex-life like?” Refreshingly absent in the asking is the usual leering grin that accompanies friendly inquiries into intimate affairs. Rather, the look is more often one of deep concern – severe, even. The question is a fair one, and I will answer it for you in due course; there are, however, other things you might be interested to know about dating a woman who is one inch tall.