Hello.

Like you, I was once an avid viewer of television and film, but due to the addition of small, loud, highly dependent mini-humans in my household, my viewing habits have changed these last few years. I may not see as much adult-oriented television these days, but I have become something of an expert in the often underappreciated field of children’s entertainment. The recent recall of Baby Einstein products prompted me to sing out in defense of an unrecognized classic in the video entertainment industry, that being Baby Einstein: World Animals.

You can’t have a cupcake shop in a coop in the backyard, but you can have chickens.

You know you’re getting old when you wake up one day and you have no hair on your feet. One of the very first signs of aging is when you come home and find fifty pink flamingoes on your lawn, and you’re not even Italian. When you go to write a singles ad, and all you can come up with is, “Man with no future seeks woman with no past.”

You are old.

Dear Employer,

As your new marketing assistant, I just wanted to say thank you for the opportunity and… get ready for some face-melting assisting!!

When filming the final scene of The Bells of St. Mary’s in 1946, Bing Crosby and Ingrid Berman conspired on a prank. As a taciturn Father O’Malley sends a tearful Sister Benedict off to recover from her illness, he unexpectedly grabs her in a tongue-locking, passionate kiss. The crew busted up laughing.

Sixty-four years and one Pedophile Scandal later, priestly lust is no longer funny. Worse, it’s no longer taboo—just creepy. So movie priests are taking their vows of chastity more seriously than ever, and looking like priests in real life and not the ones in Madonna’s fantasies.