The Multi-pocalypse!

Stay away from Cormac McCarthy/Octavia Butler novels, sharknadoes, anything with a whiff of zombies including corporate bookstores and public or college libraries (remember: zombies CAN sneak up on you! Be vigilant!).

Congratulations! If you’re considering your first trip to your nearest IKEA storefront, you have reached that special place in your life where you want furniture, but can’t afford any. That’s where we come in. Here at IKEA, we know we’re a much needed bridge between adolescence and adulthood. That transition can be tough. With that in mind, here are five simple tips for making your trip to IKEA a big success!

Once, in China, I asked a young friend where would be a good shop or market to pick up a new pair of shoelaces.

He paused, thought about it, and said, “You can’t. You just have to buy new shoes.”

I smiled “Have you ever been shopping on your own?”

He said, “Well no. My mother buys everything for me.”

I still wear Chinese mesh $1.99 ‘ghetto slippers’ everywhere. Shopping. To the beach. To Europe. In fancy hotels. Everywhere. Even Chinese women don’t wear them anymore. Their loss. I didn’t invent them, but if I did, I’d call them ‘Chinese Cock-Blockers,’ because men, apparently, hate them.

You’re at Whole Foods or some similar place somewhere else. Just being there makes you feel good, hip, organic. You walk down the wide, splendid aisle. You remember what your doctor said about dairy products and you are, once again, determined to cut them out. All that fat.