Leave the Dead to bury their own dead. For they have not the money to afford a resplendent funeral.

If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn and get your handgun. If this culminates in you inflicting a mortal wound, you will be innocent in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the law. I mean, who are they going to believe, a gentile deadbeat, or you, a fine, upstanding businessman who was acting purely in self defense?

Tightwad appreciates your help in keeping us out of bankruptcy by paying extra to sit in an aisle seat or to actually travel with luggage. While waiting to board your flight today, please look at this menu of choices we’ve added to fine-tune your flying experience. Select from the following options and return your completed form to the gate agent. The resulting fees will be charged to your credit card.

“Oh, That Jason!,” despite airing for only two seasons (1953-54) has nonetheless gained a small cult following over the passing years. Hailed by critics as “horrifying,” “reprehensible” and “relentlessly depraved,” “Oh, That Jason!” was truly groundbreaking television, as evidenced by this list of highlights from its truncated run:

7:15 Wake up refreshed and exuberant, ready to make sweet love to the promising day laid out like a beautiful woman before you. Know that you are gong to earn a pauper’s fortune by persuading ambrosial, flirty, delicate birds to eat out of your hands while allowing tourists to take pictures. You were born for this shit!

Good morning, and welcome aboard Jetsky Airways flight 1015 to Seattle. We’ll be taking off momentarily, so at this time we ask you to disable and stow all electronic devices. Please keep in mind that cell phones may not be used on board the plane at any time. If you have a cell phone, it is to remain in your baggage, unused and alone, waiting for you to return, fighting feelings of resentment while still wondering if you’ll ever love it the same way you used to.