Dear Agents of Al-Qaeda:

It is I, Osama bin Laden, your fearless leader—contacting you from a small den where I hide like a tiny mammal during the Cretaceous era. Praise Allah, on with the Jihad, and all that. Now, on to other matters.

All of these creatures are related to the wild ass, a wacky, horse-like animal known for its sly wit, aggressive behavior during mating season, and an inability to effectively manipulate small power tools such as drills, electric hole punchers, and can openers. The wild ass is now virtually extinct, with small pockets of survivors inhabiting semi-desert regions of Northern Tibet. It is estimated that two or three individuals may also exist by attending liberal arts colleges in the Eastern United States, prolonging their stay by changing majors frequently.

June 2010
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For countless generations, the romantic poetry of the Greek lyric poet Sappho (c. 630-c. 570 BCE) has tickled the ears of man and woman alike. Recent generations have misinterpreted her work as reflecting the demons of homosexuality; right-thinking scholarship, however, begs to differ. It is my purpose in this introduction, therefore, to dispel any and all scandalous rumors regarding the poet, our beloved matriarch and muse.

Though later exported to Japan by St. Francis Xavier (1506-1552 CE), the haiku poetic form dates back to ancient Greece. St. Cacostomos of Lydia writes in his compendious second-century Lives of the Lesbians that the pagan people of Anatolia claim the haiku was given to them by their god Hedone, daughter of Eros and Psyche. A common greeting amongst the heathens of this time, ‘ηδονη κυδος (hedone kudos—lit. “pleasure which is heard of,” perhaps used as a question, implying “Have you heard of pleasure?”), was often shortened to simply he~ku in speech.

So I head for the MVA Express Office in Kenilworth Mall with my foot in a cast to replace my missing driver’s license and I get there at ten to stand in line just long enough to read all the signs: We Only Do Licenses Not Tags, Leave Expired Tags Here, Register to Vote Here, and No Smoking Food or Beverages, and that was okay, me no longer smoking food or beverages.