A Bunch of Tricks for Dumping Bitches

Simon says: In your face Neal Sedaka. Breaking up, is really not at all that hard to do. In fact Paul’s got fifty ways to do the deed. The balance of the tutorial is anchored by session drummer, Steve Gadd’s, way-cool stick work on this post-divorce, revenge tinged fantasy which topped the charts throughout the spring of 1976. It remains, likely forever, Simon’s biggest solo hit.

It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is… what? Three? Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school? Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.

Dear New Student,

Please allow me to once again congratulate and welcome you to the Television Reality-Acting School of Hollywood. The applicant pool for the Fall 2012 semester was our largest yet. You, along with your future cohort, represent the most competitive applicants of a highly qualified and ambitious group. We at TRASH look forward to fostering the development and exploitation of your incredibly marketable skills and assets.

Thank You in Response to Condolences Offered

Dear Purveyor of Condolences,

Thank you for your gesture of condolence. I’m sure your heart was in the right place and if you think you did enough, I guess that’s all that matters.

Thanks again,

Mourner

In the award-winning tradition of million-selling author Frank T. Snotte’s self-help guides, Winning with Snotte ™, Dr. Snotte and his team of in-demand motivational authors are proud to add five new titles to the Snotte catalogue, beginning with “Hum and Shrug for Success.” Our interviews with 150 fascinating people who have become successful and important

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