Dear Caroline,

We are delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has voted to offer you a place in the Gilford Academy Class of 2016! Nearly fifteen thousand students applied for admission to the entering class, making it the most competitive, qualified, and Anglo-Saxon applicant pool in Gilford history.

However, as you prepare for the transition to boarding school, we suggest you look over the following materials very carefully. The zip code, middle school, and surname listed on your application suggest that you won’t fit in otherwise and we want your adjustment to life at the Academy to be as seamless as possible. Enclosed you will find everything you need to make your time at Gilford unforgettable and your middle-class upbringing unnoticeable. Congratulations on your acceptance and we wish you a warm welcome to the Academy.

Dear Readers,

For years, we have offered you the option of becoming a paid subscriber to our website, but have always assured you that even if you did not subscribe, we would never erect a paywall to prevent you from enjoying the articles we are so proud to publish. That promise remains as true as ever. In that spirit, we are excited to announce a series of changes that will be rolled out to non-subscribers in the weeks to come:

1. Beginning next month, non-subscribers may begin to notice some altered punctuation in the articles we are definitely not forcing you to pay for. While, this will not prevent you from reading our, fine, con-tent. It may make it slightly more difficult? To do so.

Mad Hominem

What does a failed presidential candidate go from here? Insane, that’s where! This reckless rogue never made it out of the primary season, but that won’t stop him from making anarchy of the republic with his Slander-Beam, a voice-controlled plasma laser that renders entire blocks of voters unable to distinguish between the validity of policy ideas and the personalities of the candidates who propose them. When will the madness end?

SAUSALITO, CA – Like many Americans, Teresa Jasper reacted strongly to the Time magazine cover story that asks “Are You Mom Enough?” The cover shows a three-year old boy standing on a chair breastfeeding from his attractive mother. “Parenting is hard enough without being judged,” Jasper says as she hands her two-year old a juice box. “I’m supposed to feel guilty because I don’t want my kid kicking me all night?”

It has been twenty years since I led them, but I still know them all by name: aiming long rifle guy, grenade lobbing guy, lying flat sniper guy, kneeling bazooka guy, charging bayonet guy and machine gun aimed sideways guy. The sounds of their valor still echo in my dreams. The way they cheered for me, applauded my every decision. After the Great Bedroom War (1986-1987) and the Invasion of Cabbage Patch (Summer, 1988) I installed a suggestion box for my men. It is with great shame that I admit to only looking over these dispatches and communiqués now, almost twenty-five years later. I have failed my brave men, but hopefully their words will inspire and enliven this aging man they once so joyously called Ol’ General Radical.