Poetry: Please submit no more than 4 poems at a time. We seek sexualized hybrid work of a confessional nature and a philosophical bent that speak of things that matter such as the hypothetical dreams of rapper Riff Raff and the G-chat conversations from freshman year of college we read and reread until our eyes bleed.

You have reached the product help line of the Excellent Egress Corporation. Please select the product for which you require assistance: The Albert Pierrepoint Hangman’s Caboodle, complete with a 13 foot length of 3/4″ diameter Vintage Italian silk hemp rope, bound with Chamois leather to avoid chafing the skin. The Ernest Hemingway Monte Carlo B

[continue reading…]

Hey dude. I know you don’t know me very well, but surely you remember meeting me at our college’s a cappella cabaret in 2009? Sandra Ortiz and Brad Henley were sitting between us, but I remember finding your joke about asthma very funny. I’ve always thought of you as smart and confident, despite your cartoonish looks and average talent. You’re someone I’ve always envied for your mysterious ability to “get it” or “get by.”

Karate Pottery
A method of unarmed combat in which sharp blows and kicks are administered to ceramics.

I was logged onto OkCupid for what I thought was the last time. It was long overdue that I close the book on the droves of single mothers, vegan astrologers and sucked-in abdomens in front of bathroom mirrors. Then I saw a message in my inbox. Well this was a first. Could one of the countless women who had pitilessly ignored my verbose attempts at starting a conversation have finally realized her atrocious error in judgment? No, of course not. It turned out to be a message from the higher-ups at OkCupid: “How’d you like to help moderate the site?” the message title asked. I tentatively opened it.