PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail. Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department. Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance. Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.

“A” is for Alcohol-Fueled Affair

“B” is for Birth

“C” is for Childhood

I get quite confused by where a comma goes. Does it go here, or there, does it connect an independent clause after or before a conjunction? Does it depend on the conjunction’s politics, smoking habits, or sexual preference? If the conjunction has a history of spousal abuse can it really be trusted with the custody of a dependent clause, and does it deserve the use of a comma? After all, a comma is a privilege, not a right.

I die at seventeen, because I’m currently twenty-one, so dying at seventeen would make me either invincible or the proud owner of a time machine. I’ll go with the latter.

I buy my time machine at forty-four, because you could call predicting a type of four-shadowing. Since I’m smart enough to make that clever little play on words, I’m smart enough to know I won’t be inventing a time machine any time soon.

IF ( stomach = empty )

THEN ( run action: cry )

IF ( stomach = full )

THEN ( run action: poop )