Hello, hello, hello, folks! Hope you’re all swell on this brisk winter evening. This is the Amtrak 449 Lake Shore Limited train from Boston, Massachusetts to Chicago, Illinois. My name is Phil, and my wife just left me.

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NotMyMother*****She’s an amazing girl! She’s gorgeous, smart, funny, stunning, brilliant. I don’t know why she can’t find a man.

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Every year at the winter solstice, members of the so-called “Bilderberg Group,” an enigmatic collective of elite figures from the worlds of finance, technology, and domination, gather at a unknown location to confer on matters of the highest consequence. The content of these discussions, rumored to amount to a shadow world government, can never be revealed.

The Chairman introduced the first agenda item, ‘The Increased Cost of Stationery.’ He drew attention to the fact that using more than one pen, mislaying pens, vandalising pens through chewing, and opening new boxes of pens before it was necessary was resulting in an increased cost to the business.

FJ explained that although he acknowledged that the use and misuse of pens was an issue, the Committee should also consider the use and misuse of staples and staplers, paper, particularly photocopying paper that everyone thought they had a right to, and pencils.