Dear Duke Thomas Wakefield,

I much appreciate the invitation to the racetrack for opening day. The grand spectacle of domesticated stallions galloping across the groomed track is most enjoyable. The glee brought from viewing the spectacular mammals outweighs the discomfort brought on by the sweating mass of working class would be rioters in attendance.

Dear Editor,

This is a letter to the editor because I don’t have money for a classified ad but I still need people to be in my band.

My band is called Elbows in Elevators. Band rehearsals will happen every day in my basement, but we will move into the garage once I sell my piece of crap car.

All right guys, can everybody hear me in the back? Parents, go ahead and turn up your hearing aids if you need to! Haha, just messing with you.

Anyways, welcome to Batesman College. I’m Tyler and I’ll be showing you around. Now, you guys probably already recognize Batesman from the Boner University movies, which were all filmed right here. Pretty cool, right? That was our campus in the original 1983 Boner University: The Motion Picture, and then in Boner U 2: Panty Raid, Boner University III: Dorklinger’s Revenge, then in Boner University: Kappa Gamma Boner, Boner University: Red, White, and Boner, BU2000, and in some of the establishing shots of Boners in Brazil and Euroboner.

Questions 1-4: Misery. Answer the following story problems using any method you like – provided it’s the method that I want you to use. Each problem is worth enough points to convince you that answering any incorrectly will earn you a grade that sabotages all of your future hopes. Calculators are not permitted.

Dear Auntie,

First of all, happy 80th birthday! I hope your social security check arrived. Guess what? Tim and I are having our wedding on August 20. And guess where we’re taking our vows? Koya-san, Japan! It’s the happiest place on Earth. It’s gonna be so cool.