I wanted to put something on paper that I would not regret throwing out later. I wanted it to be the most regrettable thing in the world– a literal literary crime to write. And when I was done, I would wash my hands of it.

But it’s never that easy.

Recent university studies prove what all owners of mirrors already know: America is fat. To cinch up our nation’s ever-expanding waistline, the United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers requires that the following games be implemented into gym class curriculums for 2015.

Dear potential employers,

My name is Chloe Keen and I am about to finish my master’s degree. I study women’s rights and human rights. I am ready to enter the work force and to change the world, because everyone in my life taught me that I can do just that. Sure, sometimes I am overwhelmed with the path that I have chosen, fighting for the rights of the oppressed and the ignored. Then I remember that I have no real marketable skills outside of my little depressing niche, so I better stick with it.

Hello, All, and welcome to Fun with European Literature! I am looking forward to an exciting and stimulating online experience with all of you. I have attached a syllabus and reading list so we all know what to expect. I hope one or two of you read it! LOL!

Speaking of what to expect, let me say right now that I am aware that my last name has the word “cock” in it. This is not news to me. Believe me, I have heard all the jokes, but I imagine one of two of you will try to come up with something new anyway. Do your best! LOL.

Prologue

The president has been kidnapped by ninjas. Blade and Striker are called upon to rescue President Ronnie.

They wouldn’t have called if they’d heard the news.

Blade must fight off the ninjas, rescue President Ronnie, and some how, some way, go on.

Alone.