Dear Friend,

Let me first thank you for coming to my party. We don’t hang out enough, and we should. Sadly, as you may already know, when I get drunk, things that may seem amusing to me at the time reveal themselves, upon sober reflection, to have been in poor taste. With that in mind, and for expediency’s sake, please, fill out and present to yourself this abject apology with my deepest regrets. I look forward to putting this unfortunate business behind us.

Capricorn Dec. 22—Jan. 19

Next week you’ll meet the man of your dreams at the deli counter in the supermarket. He’ll be wearing a white uniform and a papier-mâché hat and he will ask you if you want your bologna sliced thin. Smile demurely and ask him what he would recommend to people who like average-sized sandwiches. If he says, “I don’t give advice on matters like that, I just cut the meat the way the customer tells me to” he’s the wrong fellow. It’s the chap next to him who’s the man of your dreams.

Everybody’s dropping mixtapes now, and it can be hard to figure out which ones are worth your time. This reviewer has unearthed a collection that is both historical and fantastic. No mere concept album or casual listen, this compendium will practically revolutionize what you think you know about music and potentates. When it takes over the airwaves, you’ll be happy to listen.

Now that our fall semester is underway, I would like to take a moment to share with you my thoughts on what promises to be yet another remarkable year here at Pillston College.

Our year has begun auspiciously with the arrival of the Class of 2019. Some 180 strong, they represent five states and three foreign countries, including Canada. They are a heterogeneous group, our most diverse ever. In fact, only 92 percent are white, middle class, and hail from one of the three surrounding counties. Our enrollment management team’s efforts to reach out to new populations surely have paid dividends. Just walk around campus and you can see how diverse we’ve become. Our minority students really stand out.

1. You wake up at 6:23 a.m. to the sound of the dog barking at the back door. You go outside to the living room and find your son playing his XBox One, claiming he “doesn’t speak dog” and has no idea what she wants.

2. You head to the bathroom and don’t see the steaming pile of dog shit sitting on the kitchen floor as you nearly pull a groin. Your new slippers are now ruined as you consider the dog really did have to go out.