During this time, all books were Harry Potter. There wasn’t a government edict or anything. It just happened over time. No one missed the dusting, although most people still owned real copies of the seven books. There’s just something about a real book.

I miss you, baby.

I miss the way you used to read me the morning obituaries in your best sexy voice. That always reminded me to be thankful I’m alive. I miss the way you used to coerce me to sit on the scale at the grocery store self-checkout to hear the machine voice tell me how much I’d cost if I were an artichoke. That always reminded me that my life had value.

I want to talk a little bit about my experience with the Greg Foreman Grill.

Now, many of you fact-checking hipsters are going to call me out and say that I spelled the first name wrong, but Greg Foreman is my cousin from West Virginia and he is the inventor of The Grill.

I’ve heard there’s another big name out there cock-blocking Greg from the prime lady-action that he’d inevitably get by being the inventor of The Grill, but let me say right here and now that it was Greg Foreman all the way.

I overheard some friends at my house one night saying: “Her tree looks more real than ours.” Why was this innocent remark, even compliment, so upsetting? Why did it keep me awake that night?

Welcome to Dry Clean City. Unlike other dry cleaners you may have used in the past, we don’t just clean your clothes at a low price in a bland, convenient location staffed by grumpy part-timers who wouldn’t know customer service if it jumped out, cuffed them, and read them their Miranda rights. No, we aim to be a true dry clean city, a polis whose entire existence is derived from and organized around the ancient and celebrated history, theory, and practice of dry cleaning.