Voiceover: Today on a special edition of the Chet Chatterton Show on RealNews Radio, we present an exclusive interview with Exclamation Mark, here to discuss the shocking news, reported on air by RealNews Radio yesterday morning, that Exclamation Mark is withdrawing from public service, ending a career spanning more than 500 years. We join Chet and Exclamation Mark in the studio.

#SorryAboutTheLengthOfThisHashtagButJustWantedToCoverMyBasesWithAsManyAudiencesAsHumanlyPossible

Open mics are to self-help what Columbine was to school spirit: A step in the wrong direction.

Big laugh. Meta as hell. Enough time has passed to where it works. Crowd loves it. They carry me out of there like Rudy.

You’re a single woman over the age of 25 with an unnatural desire for independence. Words such as shriveled, aging uterus, and embryo cryopreservation are appearing more frequently in your family’s daily conversation. You often feel guilty for not having produced a grandchild to brighten up your parent’s monotonous post-retirement life. You’ve powered through a series of bad dates to find your ideal partner only to be abruptly abandoned two years later with a casual “I don’t know what’s wrong but something doesn’t feel right” as a reason.

Miriam Fungeltrap, 81, Dies; Discovered Important Strain of Bacteria.