Dear Neighborhood, 
We just wanted to let you know that the potentially erratic behavior of the neighborhood squirrels is completely unrelated to our having dumped a bag of coffee beans in our compost. It was a low quality brand presented to us from our in-laws, but, being the environmentally conscious people we are, we are composting instead of trashing them.

Not all that long ago, I attended a professional development session at my school with the purpose of the training to address the following question: What to do in the event of an active shooter?

Nothing is remotely funny or humorous about active shooters and the reality that public schools need to train their employees for the potential of such an event.

However. There was something that I did in fact find humorous during the training.

It’s okay, I’ve dated worse.

Yes, I know he’s fictional. Yes, I know that’s a flaw.

You remember that weekend you decided to build your partner a dining room set inspired by the work of William Morris? How you went to the National Gallery to do archival research and found the original designs? There were the ladderback chairs made of oak that you cut down and milled yourself and the rush seats you taught yourself to weave. And the reformed gothic style table you knocked together, the one with mahogany and walnut inlays—you were pretty sure he was going to flip when he saw it. Especially since he was always quoting Ruskin and going on and on about the glories of the arts and crafts movement.

Broadway producers are always on the lookout for the Next Big Thing, and I’ve got it for you: Throw Momma From the Train: The Musical. Everybody loves the late ‘80s, and everybody loves musicals, and everybody wants to murder old ladies, so this is a sure-fire hit.