Like Thick‑Tailed Spitting Scorpions biding their time under rocks in the Transvaal scrubland, Hidden Health Hazards lurk in every nook and most crannies of our environment. Steadily increasing in range, stealth, and lethality, they have also become ever more accessible, affordable, and fun—leaving scientists at a loss to explain why anyone is still alive.

The Kanto Division of Pokémon Healthcare International regrets to inform you that we are closing the Lavender Town Pokémon Center, effective immediately. Closing your local Pokémon hospital was a tough decision, but given the Center’s low profits, our current financial situation, and the stock market’s recent shift from a Tauros market to a Teddiursa market, we feel it’s the correct one.

Time to face reality. My upstart public aquarium isn’t taking off. This morning it amounted to five fish, one of which turned out to be some sort of serial killer and assassinated the others, until it was just him. So, one fish. This week I called around, ended up with a very conditional agreement to loan me a sea turtle. Needless to say, I will have to catch my own sharks. The real blow was Dirk, my angel investor, lost all his capital in the GameStop bubble.

The End is Nigh! Or, at least, on your Outlook calendar. Along with the demise of modern civilization comes The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, sent here by God to reboot His divine judgement. Prepare yourselves to recognize the signs of their impending descent.

Schools implement a dizzying assortment of district-mandated procedures for teachers and students: No Child Left Behind, 21st Century initiatives, and The Common Core. The latest rollout: The Tomato Method. How’s it going? Let’s find out.