Hey, you. Yeah, you, sitting there. Why go on struggling with the hell of switching from one streaming service to the next? Snap out of it, you soft-brained human. You need to subscribe to one holistic service that inhabits your soul and lives your life for you at an easy $19.99 a month.

Hi there, the name’s Bruce, I’ll be your caddy for the afternoon.  You might think you know me from Electric Light Orchestra’s 1979 classic, “Don’t Bring Me Down.”  The words in the chorus sound like, “don’t bring me down, BRUCE,” but my name isn’t actually in it.  That song is an earworm, though, and the line that sounds like “Brrrruuuce” is an even tinier worm that crawled in the ear of the earworm and held on for its dear wormy life.  

I have two amazing little children with my beautiful wife. We always said we wanted to have a boy and a girl. And we got them! They are healthy, perfect. I said I would get a vasectomy, but you never know, we’re so young.

Our Company is always on the lookout for innovative ways to keep your employee benefits current and competitive. That’s why we’re pleased to announce the following changes to your benefits package.

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas, I laid out some (home-made) chocolate chip cookies with a tall glass of (skimmed) milk by the chimney.

I spent the entire day baking them.

Just for you.