The story of Charles Darwin and the Beagle has been well documented. There have been books, documentaries, films and even a set of collector cards which, while never being a big seller, have ardent followers among Darwin’s legion of schoolboy fans. Now, after much research, the relationship between Darwin and another breed, the basset, can be told.

My kids hate my boyfriend.

They say he’s a dick. In my gut I agree with them. So when I say I’m going to break up with him they’re overjoyed. I tell them I can’t do it in person or on the phone. I’m too much of a coward and he’s too manipulative.

We won’t be granting you a visa to visit our museums so that you can view the artifacts we stole from your country, and we’re not returning them. 

Are you tired of feeling depressed? Worn-out by justifying your failures to your dwindling social circle? Sick of wasting thousands of dollars on a certified psychiatrist to bring up topics that you have carefully repressed?

Do you wish there was a better way? Well now there is.

Dear Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family Products Customer,

We are writing to notify you of a possible safety issue with one of our products. Our records indicate that you have purchased a potentially dangerous Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family item in the past.