I know. It’s not actually Valentine’s Day. But it’s close.

The good thing about using organs as valentines is that they’re not wasted afterward. You can’t make a meat pie out of a shoebox full of cheap card-stock SpongeBob SquarePants valentines. Believe me. I’ve tried.

Here’s how to make a ninja sandwich. I know you all understand the mechanics of sandwich construction, so I’ll just go over the ingredients.

You need bread, preferably sliced and not some sort of kaiser roll or pita. You’ll also need lettuce, raw onions, several thinly sliced pieces of dill pickle, mustard, mayonnaise, and a few dashes of ordinary black pepper. The ninja has to be small enough to fit between the slices of bread, and should be alive while eating to maintain its subtle ninja flavors.

This is how Winslow has spent every snow day since 1995. And let his diligence be a message to the rest of you: If you’re ever unhappy with your body, build yourself a surrogate out of snow.

I felt a powerful need to draw this when I found out the smurflions from Avatar had sex with their hair. Because, you know. They have sex. With their hair.

There is nothing on Heaven or Earth that Winslow won’t eat. I kind of imagine a hamster tasting like what a hamster cage smells like: newsprint, wood shavings, dried fruit, and stale feces. If that’s not a feast, I don’t know what is.