Let me be the first to welcome you to Earth. And let me assure you right off the bat that I’m not too proud to beg for my life, nor to serve you in any degrading manner you see fit. I’m sure I can make myself useful to you in some small, yet indispensable way. I’m not particularly well informed or intelligent, but I like to think I have better taste and more common sense than the average citizen of our humble little planet. All of my modest abilities are at your disposal.

Winslow used to work for an ad agency a million years ago, but he must be doing some marketing on the side if this fancy dude with his fancy suit thinks Winslow’s still in business.

Are you seeking a soulmate and also fed up with your grime-covered home exterior? Well, lend Joe a power washer and get ready to be wooed by his encyclopedic knowledge of what some call “the golden age of hoisting mechanism jurisprudence.”

Well, it’s October. Guess it’s time to start posting weird stuff again.

I began my Shakespeare studies under Professor Alfred Wainscot at the University of Cincinnati in 1982. Dr. Wainscot had recently published his groundbreaking study of the Bard’s so-called problem plays, with special attention to the deformed Greek Thersites in Troilus and Cressida. A month after handing out our freshman class syllabus, he was found face down in the Ohio River near the Serpentine Wall in Cincinnati, his body riddled with .45 cartridges and a cinderblock tired around his neck. He was identified, even so, by his alert look.