The Kanto Division of Pokémon Healthcare International regrets to inform you that we are closing the Lavender Town Pokémon Center, effective immediately. Closing your local Pokémon hospital was a tough decision, but given the Center’s low profits, our current financial situation, and the stock market’s recent shift from a Tauros market to a Teddiursa market, we feel it’s the correct one.

I found this humorous vegetable while preparing some ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s the funniest vegetable I’ve ever found, and I thought, “I want to share this with the world, but I don’t want to be just post it to Twitter like some crass lowlife. Let’s draw an entire comic around it as a framing device!”

Time to face reality. My upstart public aquarium isn’t taking off. This morning it amounted to five fish, one of which turned out to be some sort of serial killer and assassinated the others, until it was just him. So, one fish. This week I called around, ended up with a very conditional agreement to loan me a sea turtle. Needless to say, I will have to catch my own sharks. The real blow was Dirk, my angel investor, lost all his capital in the GameStop bubble.

The End is Nigh! Or, at least, on your Outlook calendar. Along with the demise of modern civilization comes The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, sent here by God to reboot His divine judgement. Prepare yourselves to recognize the signs of their impending descent.

While the coronavirus pandemic has gripped the nation, a subtler, far more dangerous pandemic has silently infiltrated the minds and bodies of America’s men: Soy Boyism.