I wanted to put something on paper that I would not regret throwing out later. I wanted it to be the most regrettable thing in the world– a literal literary crime to write. And when I was done, I would wash my hands of it.

But it’s never that easy.

Hope does not taste good. I guess coffee is best when it is bitter and brewed with human suffering and unfairness.

I can say “Tucson” just fine, but every time I read it the C and the S switch places and I swear the thing sounds like “Tusken” in my head. I’m sure I’m not the only one this happens to. It certainly happens to Winslow.

Recent university studies prove what all owners of mirrors already know: America is fat. To cinch up our nation’s ever-expanding waistline, the United States Council for State Mandated Fun & Group Showers requires that the following games be implemented into gym class curriculums for 2015.

Dedicated to every woman ever. Because let’s face it: a man wouldn’t last a day dealing with the kinds of things a woman has to put up with every minute of her life.