Breasts should not move as if they were partially filled water balloons. As much as I would like to blame the wild breasticulations in a certain caliber of video games and cartoons on a very limited grasp of anatomy, I get the distinct impression that all this bouncing and jiggling is done on purpose. And so I ask, why do you want breasts to move as if they were partially filled water balloons? They could quite literally kill someone. Or at least blacken a few eyes.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, life is really only worth living between the ages of six and sixty, after that we’re in bonus levels.

Did you see this article in the Telegraph—“The Kardashian sisters are the true heirs to The Brontës”? I don’t know if you have the Kardashian app yet or not but my phone pinged with it first thing.

Winslow wishes he had this kind of power over me, but let me just say: “Never again!”

So you’re expecting the scrrrrrrrrritch of little claws—congratulations! You’ve heard the old saying that hatchlings don’t come with instruction manuals, but in fact many well-meaning friends and relatives are probably already bombarding you with advice. Never fear; no one expects you to know everything, and even the best parents occasionally slip and eat their offspring. For now relax, take a deep breath, and start familiarizing yourself with the basics.