Tucker’s Honky-Taco is a worldwide fast food institution known not just for pioneering the assembly line guacamole production process, but also for being dedicated to social corporate responsibility by committing acts of benevolence when disaster strikes. That’s why when Hurricane Todd ravaged the southeastern seaboard from Piney Bluff, Georgia to Sawgrass, Florida a week ago, killing thousands, displacing millions, and causing billions of dollars in damage, Tucker’s Honky-Taco knew it was our civic duty to donate money to hurricane relief as long as you buy something from us.

1. Starve. Be a sizzling super model on a hunger strike. Not a crumb on your tongue. Not a sip past your lips.

In my early twenties, I had a Franco-American boyfriend who, despite what his background might suggest, knew very little about the world. Once, he found a childhood picture of me sitting on a black Santa’s lap and almost gave himself an aneurism. I watched him convulse, all thirty two of his little brown teeth exposed, the vein on his temple threatening to pop over a man in a bad wig. A black Santa, the hilarity! I, of course, didn’t think it was weird at all. But then again, no one had a weirder Santa than my family. Our Weird Santa came year round, and he took cramped commercial flights instead of the usual herd of reindeer.

Welcome to another thrilling edition of Defenestration: the literary magazine dedicated to humor and… let’s see here… Ernest Hemingway’s balls, apparently.

The door opened. Two rather large spiders dressed neatly in business suits crawled in. Sally gaped as they hopped from the floor to the tops of a chair, and then from the chair to the table top.